The Gossip Columnists
by Myriad Dewdrop
Summary: What you want to know, when you want to know it – articles in the Daily Prophet written by none other than the esteemed column writers of said newspaper, except Rita Skeeter, who may possibly be not writing for us anymore…..
1. It’s Not Raccoons! By journalist Stephan

The Gossip Columnists:

Summary: What you want to know, when you want to know it – articles in the Daily Prophet written by none other than the esteemed column writers of said newspaper, except Rita Skeeter, who may possibly be not writing for us anymore…..

Disclaimer: This is a fan fiction. Therefore JK Rowling owns all Harry Potter stuff.

Chapter One: It's Not Raccoons! By journalist Stephanie Flockheart

Have you ever woken up and wondered why? Wondered why your garbage cans were flattened, or why your garage was missing a chunk of its roof, or why your tabby looked like a waffle? Well I'll tell you why, good citizens of Hogsmeade! It's not raccoons, or kneazels with waffle irons that are causing this problem – It's Ernie!

Ernie, a seemingly harmless no, sweet elderly gentleman that drives the Knight Bus, is really a sadistic savage! But how, you ask me, how dearest Stephanie could you possibly think that that sweet coke bottle glasses man is a sadistic savage? I'll tell you my faithful reader! Recently, I decided to do some investigating on our dear Mr. Ernie after seeing him rear end a parked car in muggle London. I donned my best mustache and funny toupee and boarded the Knight Bus. I took the seat, or bed rather, behind Ernie and would have started asking questions right away had one of his artifacts not caught my attention. Who, dear people, keeps a shrunken head as their mirror ornament? And where would said shrunken head be gotten from? Only one conclusion could possibly be drawn! Knockturn Alley. That's right. Knockturn Alley. A dark place, full of dark magic – for dark magic liking people.

Now, of course one trip to Knockturn Alley doesn't make someone a sadistic savage…. it only raises a few eyebrows. The second thing I noticed about Ernie was his fitful outbursts of rage, shown through furious wiping of his glasses. My dear reader I will not lie. I was so scared. There he was a ticking time bomb of absolute rage right before me. His inner rage was so tangible that I could taste it wafting through the air! In fact, it tasted a bit like Fire Whiskey, but that's not the point! It was frightening!

As if that wasn't enough I was on the bus, (yes I!), when Ernie had the misfortune of running over a park bench. A park bench! (How do you hit one of those anyway?) And do you know what he said after he flattened that bench? "Woo! That was a big bump!" …… My dear readers, he said …. 'Woo'. A poor, defenseless park bench has been ripped from its concrete home and he says 'woo'? Who utters such an exclamation of joy at a time like this! I'll tell you who! A SADISTIC SAVAGE – that's who!

After presenting these facts to local resident and victim, Tabitha Rockwool, she felt compelled to comment. I give you now her words, dear readers!

"I woke up one morning and went to go search for my cat Mr. Tibbles. Now, usually I'll find him out by the garbage cans, because he likes to guard them against raccoons, but that morning all I saw were flattened garbage cans. It didn't occur to me that our neighbors, who had been expecting company, might be in any way connected to this peculiar incident. Now, when I saw those cans flattened I got worried and was shrieking 'Mr. Tibbles where are you?' like there was no tomorrow. Finally I heard him meowing a short distance away – and don't you know I had to rush him over to the animal ward at St. Mungos because his tail was ironed straight out!"

And so you see, dear readers, Ernie is a dangerous predator. Beware if you are out at night, and if you're on the Knight Bus, don't get too close and don't look out the windows – or you may just find yourself in grim waters.

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A/N: Yay! Okay, so one chapter up and running – I do believe chapter 2 will involve Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart and an 'Ask Gilderoy' column. Review if you please, please do review: D


	2. Ask Gilderoy by The Sensational Gilder

The Gossip Columnists:

Chapter Two: Ask Gilderoy by The Sensational Gilderoy Lockhart

Disclaimer: This is a Fan fiction. Therefore, HP stuff is JK Rowling's and I am not her. If I was her I would find it very awkward that I just said I wasn't.

Hello, my gracious fans – I'm here to deliver another dose of 'Ask Gilderoy'. It always amazes me so much that all of you know just who to write when you're in trouble, you smart people, you. Any way, enough about me (but who could ever have too much?) and on to today's questions.

Isabella Vancheskney writes:

Dear Gilderoy,

I am a die-hard Quidditch fan, so much so that I insisted my brother in law's family (they're muggles) come see a game. They said that to return the favor they would have me over (seas) and bring me to a football game. Now this is where it gets confusing. My question to you, Gilderoy, is why do muggles paint themselves obnoxious colors before these games? Now, I don't mean just faces, I mean muggle men take off their shirts (many whom should really be outlawed from doing so), paint their bellies and hoot and holler in the stands! Please clear up this odd tradition for me.

Thanks!

Isabella Vancheskney

To answer Isabella's question I had to ponder long and hard, but I think the answer was worth it. Now Isabiz, honey, the reason why muggles do the painting is so that they can support their team (hence the different odd colors). The reason they take off their shirts, however, is far more juicy. You see, male muggles who favor American football tend to be under the impression that the more grunting they do and the more hairy they are the more women they will get. It is also thought that many of the same men feel that women find jiggly-wiggly bellies cute. It is unknown what caused these severe misconceptions in the brain – but I have a guess! It must be that they are the last descendants of cavemen (hence the primal grunting hairy instincts) and don't know any better! Hope that cleared things up! Gilderoy

Onward to the Next Question!

Tabitha Rockwool writes:

Dear Gilderoy,

You're sexy.

; ) Tabitha Rockwool

Dear Tabitha,

I don't believe that could ever be in question.

Air kiss

Gilderoy

Now our third question of today comes from Mr. Roonil Wazlib, he writes,

Hello Gilderoy,

My girlfriend Hermit Gangrene has become a real nag lately. I know that it's just her nerves over You-Know-Who and all, but she keeps smacking me over the head with rolled up copies of the Daily Prophet, and I just don't understand it! Why does it all have to be taken out on me! I'm not a bad guy! Does she ever smack anyone else with the paper? No. Just me. This is bloody depressing Gilderoy!

-Roonil Wazlib.

Dear Mr. Whiney pants,

First of all, if your idea of an alias for your girlfriend is a disease – you are the one with the problem. I'm sure miss… Hermit is merely annoyed by your childish antics. So, my advice to you sir is to stop whining!

On a side note, Hermit, dear if you're reading this why don't you dump this guy and owl me?

Best wishes! – Gilderoy

And now onto our fourth and final question for today!

Helga Urglstriger writes:

Dear Gilderoy,

Whenever I used to see you at book signings or even now I always noticed how you carried such a beautiful feather quill with you. I've checked Flourish and Blotts and they don't have anything like it. My question to you is where do you get these quills and is there any special significance that causes you to write with them?

Yours Truly – Helga Urglstriger

Dear Helga,

Ah, what a wonderful question! I have to special order my quills from a lovely little shop in Scotland called, 'Scritch a Scratch' – they have the finest selection of inks too. Now, it warms my heart that you guessed towards a special significance for my using these quills, because yes – there is one. You see, the element air represents the mental plain and that is why I need such a dazzling quill. Simply because my intellect is indeed – dazzling!

Well, my lovelies, that wraps it up for today's 'Ask Gilderoy'. I know, I know, you're starting to get all teary eyes – but never fear! I will be back again tomorrow!

Love, Gilderoy Lockhart

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A/N: Well, chapter two ran right up after the first, hope you liked it! I have a feeling that Ask Gilderoy will be back in later chapters… so, Review if you please, please do review!

Thanks to the review I got already! Yay!


	3. Product Reviews and Investment News

The Gossip Columnists:

Chapter Three: Product Reviews and Investment News By Griphook the Gringotts Goblin

It hasn't exactly been a lovely investment season for most retailers and let's face it – stocks are on the fritz. But one business is indeed booming. The Weasley twins have certainly stolen the market this year. What's their secret? They've taken to lightening the undeniably somber mood of these times. With their 'You no poo' and 'Dark Lord Moldy Barf Dolls' they've transformed a seemingly unspeakable evil into a laughable child's phantom. It can only be my hope that this indeed will happen in the times to come.

As for their product the 'Dark Lord Moldy Barf Dolls' I give it four stars out of five. The 'Dark Lord Moldy Barf Dolls' come with a variety of accessories and outfits. The collection of clothing for the doll is quite daring, if I may say so. Imagine this, one day you have a regular robe on Lord Moldy Barf, the next women's lingerie, and then the day after that a tea pot costume – fully capable of pouring tea…. from his armpit. The accessories that Lord Moldy Barf has are equally as entertaining. They range from whips and chains to cuddly kitten dolls. Lord Moldy Barf has quite a wild side. The one downside to this product, is however the smell of the moldy vomit that the doll spews on command. It really is putrid. Overall I truly enjoyed this product.

Another company, that just moved into Diagon Alley seems to be making a wonderful start. Don't know what it's called? It is known as the 'Dragon Symposium'. Now, the name reveals nothing about the store. Don't be fooled – dragons don't speak there. The Dragon Symposium is a shop that offers a number of in-home defense lessons. These lessons range from the infamous (Death Eaters) to the peculiar (Gilderoy Lockhart) to the just plain eyebrow raising (small children with sticky fingers). This store is a true example of the bravery needed in these times.

Their defense lesson that I will review is the one that teaches you to ward off people who think they are pigeons. They say to, and I quote "Throw bread over their heads and run away. If you have no bread then run towards them, making a loud meowing sound as you get closer." Sound like sound advice to you? I'd say it is. Included in that kit is an instructional crystal ball that will demonstrate those techniques and plenty more. I mould assure anyone who got this that they would never be bothered by pigeon-people again. Five stars.

One company that you will most definitely want to stay away from is Olivander's wand shop. Sales have plummeted since the owner disappeared and the doors closed several months ago.

Another company having an off-season is that of 'Olenlicktor's Objects' which is located in Knockturn Alley. Now it may seem to you no surprise that business isn't booming in Knockturn Alley, with its ever association with the dark arts it's a place no witch or wizard wants to be seen nowadays. But Mr. Olenlicktor's business is sinking for a different reason. A recent ministry raid turned up many unsavory objects, which could not have been obtained in a "nice" manner.

I give Mr. Olenlicktor's 'Powdered Muggle Eyelids' a zero out of five. It is repulsive to see such an object on the shelves, but it is even more sickening to find it grouped in an entire section called "Muggle Parts". I pity the poor souls who made up that display case.

So what is my investment advice to you? It is clear that the companies that are focusing on humor and defense are flourishing, so I would say if you feel like investing – put your money with them. Stay away from Dark Art businesses and shops run by highly skilled specialists – as they might be kidnapped at any moment. Happy Investing!

-Griphook, your friendly Gringotts goblin

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A/N: Aha! Chapter three gets up and runs with the rest of 'em. Next up is in fact a personals section. Review if you please, Pleases do review. And thanks to those who have.


	4. The Love Doctor

The Gossip Columnists:

Chapter 4: The Love Doctor By Clarissa Demure

Welcome to the hot and steamy love section of the Daily Prophet. Our first letter comes from an attractive older man named Tommy. He writes:

Hi, I'm Tommy, and I'm looking for a single white male, young, Quidditch toned muscles, black fly away hair, I don't mind scars, REALLY enjoy emerald eyes. Like names that start with 'H'. I enjoy moonlit walks through graveyards, have lots of fun friends, and promise that we'll have a blast.

Sincerely,

Tommy

Another writer, who is a 'sensational Sally' says:

Hey, I'm Sally and collecting rubber bands is my thing, to be my boy you must:

not be ugly

not have back hair

not smell like a wastoid

be hott

not have over grown eyebrows

like rubber bands

not insist on decorating

earn high wages

My secretary will be taking applications! – Kisses to the Pretty boys!

A wild Roonil writes:

Dear Hermit,

I'm very sorry, please come back! It's not fair! What does Gilderoy have that I don't? I LOVE YOU! You make me drool! And I'm adorable when I drool! How could you resist the drool?!

Love and Devotion,

Roonil

Well that was certainly specific, Roonil! Anyway, our next love seeker writes:

I am a Hag seeking a male model who likes older women. I have beautiful white hair, a lovely cottage by the bog and plenty of dried fish to share. I enjoy mud baths and firewhiskey and can dance like no one you have ever seen! Hope to see you soon!

Love

Wonkara

And good luck to you, Wonkara! You know, our next writer may be for you.

Hi, I'm a male model, I love to fish and hang out in bogs. I enjoy armpit farting – think it should be made into a sport. I never wear a shirt, unless it's fall or winter or really cold. I'm looking for a woman who likes to cook and swing from trees. I hate cheese but love sugar. Give me some suga', honey!

Sincerely,

Flexus Maximus

No fish were hurt in the typing of that add. Hah hah – I crack myself up, anyway our next writer is really just a sentimental soul.

Good day, my name is Dragon. I am looking for a beautiful pureblood girl whose name is not that of a flower. Must be dastardly mean, but have a caring side for me. Must not fawn. I hate fawners! I am not your pet! Anyway, I like candy, chocolates to be precise – if you can't hack that or are lactose intolerant and won't be able to share with me in the joys of chocolate please do not reply. That is all I really want, besides love and devotion. Thank you.

Dragon

Well, that wraps it up for the personals section, now on to the love advice! With the holidays coming up it would be prudent to keep your loved ones in mind. Why not surprise a special someone with a morning cup of hot chocolate, or breakfast in bed? If things are going wrong in your relationship – this is the perfect season to fix it! Communication is key, so lay off the booze for a night and sit down and talk over a special made dinner. And remember, nothing says 'I love you' like a dinner that is not burnt. If you truly want to impress your lover this holiday season use your best talent and somehow make them a gift with that! You know, all this talk about holidays reminds me of something. It reminds me that holidays aren't the only time we should be looking after our sweethearts. So really, any time of the year is perfect for these things. Oh and by the way, DUNGBOMBS DO NOT SHOW LOVE! (Did you hear that, Fred?)

Well! That wraps it up for today! I hope you enjoyed this week's addition of 'The Love Doctor' – until next time –

Clarissa Demure

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A/N: Woo! And chapter four is up and running! Hope you enjoyed it. Review if you will, please do review!


	5. Letters to the Editor

The Gossip Columnists:

Chapter 5: Letters to the editor.

And here we have the letters to the editors of the Daily Prophet. This is a random selection of what our beloved readers chose to send us, so have a look!

Dear Daily Prophet,

I've sent you a little poem/song/cheer that I wrote; it's perfect for the holidays!

It's beginning to look a lot like homicide,

Everywhere you go (Stab, stab – kill!)

And the thing that'll make you cling

Is the terror that I bring

Right within your heart

Stab, Kick, Punch – Arsenic!

Kill you – I'm gonna kill, kill, kill, kill, kill you all!

Stab, kick, punch, hang, mass murder yehaa!

Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra –

Suck it, Ministry!

Yours Sincerely,

Bellatrix Lestrange & Peter Pettigrew

Dear Daily Prophet,

Fire Gilderoy Lockhart, he stole my girlfriend.

Thanks!

Roonil

Dear Daily Prophet,

Not ah! She likes me better, Roonil!

Yeah

Gilderoy Lockhart

Dear Daily Prophet,

Gilderoy, you are so full of yourself! Jerk.

Roonil

Dear Daily Prophet/ Roonil,

I am rubber and you are glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!

Better then you

Gilderoy Lockhart

Dear Gilderoy Lockhart/ Daily Prophet,

Good one.

Roonil

Dear Roonil/ Daily Prophet,

Thanks Mate!

Cheers

Gilderoy Lockhart

Dear Gilderoy & Roonil/ The Daily Prophet,

I am very sorry to say this, but neither of you deserve to date me. I have come to a point in my life where I realize that I really just have to focus on myself for a little bit. I would say that it's not you and that it's me – except I don't like to lie.

Best wishes,

"Hermit"

Dear Gilderoy/ Daily Prophet,

You just got dumped by a mudblood bookworm – OH SNAP!

Dragon

Dear Daily Prophet,

Get friendlier owls, the one you have coming to my house pecks my hands off each day! I pay the bill – and yet your pigeons still think I'm a snack! Knock it off or I'll barbeque the next one and send pictures of myself eating it to you.

Always a pleasure,

Moody.

Dear Daily Prophet,

Just to clarify this is my six hundred a seventy-fifth week wearing a muggle nightgown. The breeze is wonderful – hope everyone picks up on the trend soon.

Flower power

Archie

Dear Daily Prophet,

It has come to my attention that I, Cornelius Fudge, am no longer a daily fixture in the Prophet. Now, I know I'm not minister anymore, but what about my other talents? I have a positively green thumb in gardening and I can do the backstroke exceedingly well. So please, please, give me a spot in your writing staff – or I am going to have to start flashing old ladies and have you put me in your paper that way. So if you want to save old ladies their eyes – not that I'm anything bad to look at. I mean, I'm actually quite handsome, really. Hott, even. So yes, whatever your choice.

Love,

Cornelius Fudge

Dear Daily Prophet,

I think you should start a communal recipe section in your paper. I often do a lot of cooking and always like to try new things. It would be very beneficial to everyone, I 'm sure if they got to share their recipes.

Yours Sincerely,

Molly W.

Dear Daily Prophet,

Your paper is the most high quality owl cage lining I have found. Keep up the good work!

You Don't Know Who

Dear Daily Prophet,

I found the article you printed last month about werewolves and moon cycles to be very interesting and informative. I've now realized that when the moon is waxing I should not be afraid of going out at night and coming face to face with a hairless werewolf. And when it's waning I realized that the werewolves would not be carrying umbrellas. Thanks a bunch!

Tabitha

Dear Daily Prophet,

I find your personals section to not work satisfactory. It displeases me.

- Tommy.

Thank you dear readers, as always, for writing in and giving us feed back. Until next time – stay safe and warm!

Sincerely,

The Editors

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A/N: Well, yay. Chapter five is up and running! I really enjoy writing this story – expect some more. Thanks to everyone that reviewed, you all always make my day! And as always, Review if you please, Please do Review! ☺♥


	6. Fudging It

Chapter Six: "Fudging It" by Cornelius Fudge

Hello friends, Cornelius Fudge here to tell you all the secrets of being a good smoozer. What's a smoozer, you say? Well, I'll tell you. A smoozer is someone who can BS their way out of anything. Now that I'm retired from the political game I can say that being a smoozer is 99 percent of being successful in politics. But don't tell ol' Rufus I said that. Ha! I jest! He hates me! Would never read a thing I'd write. For example, Rufus – you are a turd, come see me some time feces face. Bet you by next week I'll still be here untouched.

Well, anyway – smoozer, being a smoozer…. Now let's see what can I tell you….. hmmm, I know! I'll make a list!

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- One.) Be suave. Never lose that smooth tone in your voice. Why? Because you have to subtly seduce everyone you meet. That's right – everyone. Even ugly hags. It may make you shiver on the inside – but do not shiver on the outside (you run the risk of being smacked in the face with a pocketbook if you do).

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- Two.) At parties, always have a sophisticated glass of alcoholic beverage with you. Do not get drunk! This drink will only serve as a dramatic prop, good for swirling while talking about intelligent things

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-Three.) Talk of intelligent things with big words. A little key bit of advice that I can give here is that you should definitely know what those big words mean. If you have trouble finding intelligent topics to talk about, buy my book called _"Increase Your Track Record of Not Saying Something Stupid"_

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-Four.) When lying, which you should do frequently, do not look down at the floor. It is then that people will know that you are not sincere. Make sure to keep track of your lies, as they may come back and haunt you later – like that man at a cocktail party who tells one woman he's an Auror, the next (who, by some horrible twist of fate, is the first woman's sister) that he's an esteemed professor, and the last (who, coincidently, is both of the previous girls' friend) that he is a medi-wizard and turns up a few days later at St. Mungos with his buttocks cursed off.

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- Five.) Kiss babies. Lots and lots of babies (okay this only applies to political smoozers, because otherwise you may be arrested on false pedophile charges). And for Merlin's sake if the baby is ugly do NOT say so! It will ruin your political career faster than saying that Sybil Trelawny is your new course of action advisor!

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- Six.) Always wear clean underwear. Somehow, people can always tell when you're not. But when you are do make sure not to wear them inside out, upside down, or backwards (or all three at once). Not only does it feel funny, but also if found out it'll expose your idiotocracy. Yes, I made that word up you bumbling spell check quill! Ehem, sorry, just ranting. Oh! So I've spelled 'ehem' wrong now, have I? Blasted bastard of a quill! Stop marking up my PAPER! What do you mean that's a fragment – oh COME ON!

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- Right, well then, there you have it. How to be a smoozer in six easy steps. Actually, come to think of it I used some of my great smoozer tactics to get a job here at the Prophet, so in reality being a smoozer can get you anywhere in any field. Pretty neat, eh?

-

Until next time,

The King of Fudging It

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-A/N: Wow. Sorry for the short chapter and the long time in updating, it's just been hard to write lately. Oh, and anyone who has read my other stories and was wondering why none of them have been updated my hard drive crashed a couple months back – and erased them all – so I have to read them all (probably rewrite Snape's Punishment without the odd switch of first to third person and perhaps without the added characters – or add them in more eloquently – anyway – now I'm just rambling)

So as always Review if you please, Please do review. And – if you want me to write any specific article tell me – and I might just do it! Any comments, or constructive criticism are welcome. : )


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